S ometime in the eighties, Master Deshimaru asked his disciples from the Paris dojo to write their biographies. At the time I might have been 27 or 28 years old and aside from practicing zazen and following his teachings, my life seemed to contain few adventures. However I started and began to tell the story of fishing for shrimp. When I was ten years old, at the end of the holidays in September, during the high tides, my father and grandfather took us to catch prawns which required long preparations. At sunrise, my grandmother would go to the market to buy an assortment of inexpensive fish. Then my grandfather beaded the fish heads in the wire of the nets, cursing quietly because he pricked his fingers. We would begin at high tide tossing the nets from steep cliffs. While the waves licked our feet we drew the sea crabs. Of course, picking the crabs and placing them in the basket was quite a story or an experience?. Once home we poured our stock of crab in a big jar and waited two or three days for them to die. Again my grandfather beaded crabs in the nets to go out, this time at low tide, to catch shrimp. Usually the outcome of these expeditions was a total fiasco and my father would end up buying beautiful prawns in the corner tavern while sipping a glass of wine. My biography was to begin this way but my partner at the time made me quickly understand that this was not of great interest, that it was stupid and I should abandon the idea of telling the story of my life.
Almost twenty years have passed. Since then, again I find myself in the position to write my biography. And once again, aside from practicing zazen, shaving my head and wearing the kesa every day, my life seems neither too adventurous nor too exciting for others, so back to catching shrimp. What impressed me as a child was the absurdity of such actions, setting aside the fact that we had good times. It was ridiculous, absurd, human in their screams and colors. This is what I had tried to express at the time and what I wish to express now. I have not had an awakening to the fact of impermanence. Rather the actions of the world as it, suddenly seemed far from their targets. The world shown to me by my parents, my ancestors, my teachers, my mentors and so on seemed absurd and locked. The religious tradition in which I was raised had not brought me any tranquility and peace of mind. Studying also did not provide me with freedom. The questions “why” and “how” provided no answers. After wandering thru doubt, fear and cynism, I found zazen and the wonderful teachings of Master Deshimaru. Everything was clear, straight and bright. So my life is that of a girl who went fishing for shrimp and found a bright pearl on the way
Bárbara Kosen